So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
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