I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Randomize
