margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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