How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
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