Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Randomize
