My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
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