Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
