The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
