I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I checked into jail on foursquare
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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