Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
