i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Randomize
