if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Are we still banned from the library?
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Randomize
