My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Randomize
