OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
Randomize
