new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
