You made me cry and you don't even care
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
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