Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I licked your asshole in confidence.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
