When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
