very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
