Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
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