I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
