I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Randomize
