I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I faked an abortion last night.
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Randomize
