Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Randomize
