2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
It doesn't have to be a walk of shame...just pretend he took you to breakfast.
No one shows this much boob at breakfast
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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