Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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