Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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