I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
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