well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
