i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
