there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Randomize
