i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
Randomize
