im about as happy as oj after his trial
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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