I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
