Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
