So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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