Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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