if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
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