I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Randomize
