if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
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