I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
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