I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
