Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Randomize
