I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Randomize
