The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
