yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
