just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
are you so shy because you have an std?
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
