He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
