jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
