Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
