I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
