I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
