2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
I just blew my weed a kiss
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
